FAT LARRY WHITE
Fat Larry White, episode 1.
Mourner 1: He sure was a big guy…
Mourner 2: You sick fuck, can’t you think of anything else at a time like this?
As the mourners file into the church, A CD is playing: Barry White’s greatest hits. ‘The trouble with me’ is currently blasting out of the speakers.
Mourner 3: I’d say that’d be death.
Mourner 4: Where?
Mourner 3: Not death, like, with the scythe… The grim Reaper…
Mourner 4: What in the hell are you on about then?
Mourner 3: The trouble with him…. He’s dead.
Mourner 4: No, I still don’t get it.
Mourner 3: *sighs*
Just then, the vicar stands and calls the congregation to order. The vicar bears a striking resemblance to the Soul Legend James Brown.
Vicar: Let’s get up an’ do ma’ thang!
Mourner 1: What’d he say?
Mourner 2: He wants you to get up and do his thing.
Mourner 1: Oh my good sweet Lord! I could do him some serious damage, I’d do his ‘thing’ any time of the day or night!
Mourner 2: What the fuck is with you, damned freak. He wants you to put your hands together in prayer, not suck his God damned cock!
Vicar: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to bless our recently departed, dear brother, Barry. His life was one filled with many blessings, and much food.
At this, an extremely large man near the front of the funeral party begins to salivate. He has to wipe his dribble with his sleeve to save his embarrassment. The vicar/James Brown continues…
Vicar: Get up, get on up. Stay on the scene, get on up!
Mourner 1: Like a sex machine!
Mourner 2: Get on DOWN!
Mourner 1: Yeah baby YEAH!
Mourner 2: No, seriously, SIT down! Have some respect!
Mourner 1: Great tune! R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me!
Mourner 2 hangs his head in shame whilst Mourner 1 continues to dance to the tunes in his head, much to the annoyance of the vicar, who is quickly losing control of the funeral service. That is until from the front, a huge black man stands up, he must weigh in the region of 400lbs. He has also now managed to control his salivation.
Fat Larry White: Sit the hell down, shut the hell up and have some damned respect man.
Mourner 1: I have the respect man, R-E-S-P-E-C-T!
FLW: Listen asshole, this is my uncle, the great Barry White we’re burying here. I dunno what the hell you have got to do with him, I hope for HIS sake he never knew YOU. Now sit down and let his reverence, the Godfather of Soul continue with this service. God-damned hippies….
The funeral service continues in a more respectful manner now, most of the people present being worried that if they misbehave further, Fat Larry White will sit on them. Or eat them. Only one incident where the Reverend James Brown burnt himself on a candle and yelled Ow! (Then turned to his congregation smiling and ensured them ‘I feel good’) brought a reaction from the various troublesome mourners.
After the funeral there was a reception for the various attendees. Being the nephew of the deceased, Fat Larry was engaged in meeting and greeting the people. Upon meeting the two hippies who were shouting in the church, Larry decided to investigate further.
Mourner 1: Dave
Mourner 2: Jake
FLW: So what the hell did you think you were doing back there, shouting out. My uncle Barry does NOT deserve to go out like that.
Dave: Barry? Who’se Barry?!
Jake: Barry? Yeah, you know BARRY!
Dave: I swear I don’t know no Barry.
FLW: Barry White, the soul singer.
Jake: This was Barry White’s funeral?
Dave: NO WAY! What are the chances of that?!
FLW: You guys didn’t know? What the hell did you you were at?!
Dave: Uhm, erm, I dunno.
Jake and Dave turn to each other and burst into laughter. Fat Larry just looks on as if to say ‘what the hell?!’
FLW: Are you guys stoned?
Jake: Wh-what? What do ya mean?
Dave: Dude, we’re not stoned! We were here to see the, erm, the, the the
Jake: CHURCH!
Dave: CHURCH! Yeah, Church, good one Jake!
Jake: No problem man!
Fat Larry just shakes his head before indicating to one of his team that he needed his wheelchair. His aide comes over after a moment or two, with the extra large, reinforced chair. Larry half-climbs, half-falls into the chair. He gives Dave and Jake once final amused look, before activating the power on his chair and pushing the joystick to wheel himself along.
The very next day, Fat Larry awakes to the sound of his cell phone ringing. He looks up, and glances at the clock. It’s 3:30pm! Larry wipes the sleep from his eyes and says a sleepy ‘yeah’ into the phone.
Voice: Hey, this Fat Larry?
FLW: Yeah, who is this?
Voice: This is Janie Grahams, I work with the Hardcore Wrestling Alliance.
FLW: Oh hey! How are you?
Janie: I’m fine. Listen, I have spoken to the boss and he says there’s no spot for you right now, but he’s sorry.
FLW: Oh. Right. I see. I guess he’ll call me if something comes up right?
Janie: Yeah, he asked me to say that.
FLW: Sure he did yeah.
Janie: Well he DID say that you failed your tryout because of your weight issue….
FLW: WHAT?! Listen, you tell that sonnofabitch Morgoth, my weight is my strength. Listen honey, you ever hear about Samson, and how his hair was his strength?
Janie: Yeah of course…
FLW: Well It just so happens that that’s MY strength. Could you lift me over the top rope? I’m a 400 pound man dammit!
Janie: Well look. The HWA is not in the best shape right now and I know that Morgoth was looking for people to do more tryouts.
FLW: YOU SAY WHAT?! He refused me yet he’s struggling!? Well that really does make me feel like a piece of shit . Thank you very much!
Janie: Hang on, I have an idea. Just give me one moment.
Fat Larry rises from his bed whilst the hold music rings in his ear. He gets to his feet and immediately pants from the effort.
FLW: Man I gotta get fitter than this…..
Eventually Janie gets back to the phone.
Janie: Larry?
FLW: Yeah, still here.
Janie: Listen, I just spoke to Morgoth. He says you can have a match against Dan Sawyer. It’s not much, but consider it a sort of peace offering. We need you Fat Larry.
FLW: Well, sugar, just you wait till you meet me. Not only will you need me, you’ll want me too, baby!
Janie: Erm, well I’m not so sure about that Larry. Nonetheless you’re expected in to the HWA studios later this week to cut a promo. That’s an interview to you. Ok?
FLW: Sure, I know what the wrestling terminology is. I may not have ever had a professional match before, but I’m a big fan of the WWE!
Janie: O…K….. Well I’ll be off now, see you Larry.
FLW: Bye bye honey….
Larry ends the call and smiles to himself. He picks the phone back up though and uses speed dial number 1.…
Voice: Hello, Domino’s Pizza, how can I help you today?
FLW: Hey Alec, it’s Larry.
Alec: Hey Larry, is it the usual order my man?
FLW: Most certainly is. Three large ham and pineapple, two large pepperoni.
Alec: That’ll be with you in around thirty minutes, that ok?
FLW: No problem. Catch you later.
Fat Larry White smiles in anticipation of his pizza, and rolls/wobbles his way over to his computer desk. He gets online and goes to google.com. He types in Dan Sawyer. A number of articles pop up. He starts to read…..
DEADLY ONE DAN SAWYER. MY LIFE AS A WRESTLER
DODS. A Dan Sawyer fan site
DAN SAWYER IN GAY RAPE CLAIM SHOCK STORY
DIZASTA: Wrestler or Rasta?
Man: This is where it happened. Man, you can see the HWA towers from here. How ironic. See I was just walking my dog down through this park. Must’ve been around 9pm. I was a little worried as it was quite dark, and well you never know who’se around these parks at that time of night. As it turns out, I was right to be worried. But the problems came from someone I’d never imagine in a whole other lifetime.
At this point the man starts to get a little choked, and looks down at his shoes.
Man: I’ve been a fan of the HWA for years. Always loved the wrestlers they had. Sometimes it was even better than the WWE. People like Fudge, Conner, Ron Royalty, Hollywood D; hell, even Zack Tyler back in the early days. Recently though I’d really started to get into Dan Sawyer’s character. He seemed to struggle in the early going, but he really improved over time. I respected that. Someone who never gave up on his dream. Oh man this is difficult. I suppose I should cut to the chase really. Well, that night when I was walking my dog, believe it or not, but I saw him, Sawyer, approaching from the opposite direction. I couldn’t believe it! I started searching my pockets for a piece of paper so I could get his autograph, but I couldn’t find anything. Eventually we almost met. I smiled to him and extended my hand for him to shake, saying ‘Dan Sawyer’, what an honour to meet you. He took my hand and forced it over my own mouth. He then let my dog free, and forced me into a dense shrubbery.
The scene switches back to the computer and Larry White looks on in amazement.
Man: Well, being a big muscular guy, I had no chance of stopping him. He ripped down my pants, and at that point I knew what was coming. I just couldn’t believe my hero would treat me like this. Well, he violated me. He entered me for a period of around 5 minutes or so, until he was satisfied. He left me lying in a heap in the plants. My pants torn, and possibly my sphincter too.
The man lets out an audible wince at this.
Man: I refuse to let Dan Sawyer get away with this, he will pay. I plan on suing him for EVERY SINGLE DOLLAR HE HAS. Sawyer, I hope you’re watching this. You better be you son of a b****
And at that the Video clip ends. Fat Larry pushes back on his chair at the computer table and exhales deeply.
FLW: Well Dan Sawyer, Looks like you just wrote my own promo for me!
Fat Larry Smiles to himself, looking rather content, and then, when the doorbell rings, he starts salivating once more…..